Sisterhood

Women need sisters.

I am immensely lucky: I was issued the very best of sisters at birth. Despite my annoying behavior as a child, including sabotaging her first dates and breaking her entire collection of miniature glass animals, she has always had my back, loving me in a super hero kind of a way. And the feeling is definitely mutual. Having a sister like mine makes the world feel like a safer place.

I want to state for the record here that I am by no means knocking brothers: I have an awesome one, as does my daughter, but brothers are a topic for a different day. Today I have been thinking a lot about sisters.

My sister’s pregnant friend came to Boston with her family this summer to visit her own sister. This lovely young woman went into early labor and has been living in a hospital here for the past month, 3000 miles from home, recovering and caring for her strong little preemie daughter until they are both able to go home. If ever there was a time for a sister, this is it, and sure enough, her sisters have kicked into high gear. The one who lives here was with her as she gave birth, an old friend stepped in to take care of her older girls (as did her brother!), and then both her sister-in-law and another sister have flown in to be with her. Because she is my sister’s friend I reached out to her as well: sister by proxy.

Sometimes sisters are related, and sometimes they are connected through the greater fabric of Sisterhood. If you are lucky, you will have enough hardship in life to find your Sisterhood.

Think of women as a bunch of purses: different on the outside, but the contents are remarkably similar. We share the same combination of the practical: wallet, brush, lipstick and Advil, and the messy: tissues, receipts and gum wrappers. How do men get by with just a wallet in their pocket? Some purses, like my sister’s, contain the most impressive collection of everything a person could need including gluten-free snacks and Bandaids, and some are lacking even a pen that writes. But for the most part, we know what’s inside, we share the same dark places, the same needs, the same concerns. And so, when the façade is down, we recognize each other, we can step in, we can lean on each other, we can be unashamed as the contents of our purses tumble out and we can help pick up the pieces.

Sisters tell you when you have spinach in your teeth. They don’t hesitate to talk about periods and poop; they listen and they speak the truth and then eat chocolate with you. They hold your hand during the hard stuff and bring you food. You don’t always get along, but you always love each other. And when one needs the other, there she is.

My mother will be 87 in a few weeks, and she still talks with her 93 year old sister on the phone every day. She is going on a cruise this fall with another soul sister, her maid of honor from her wedding almost 60 years ago.  These sisters, no doubt, are very familiar with the deep recesses of each others’ purses but their bond is iron clad.

What does a woman do if she hasn’t been given a sister of her own, or if the one she was issued is defective in some sisterly way? I worried about that at first with my daughter, who was provided a great brother but no sister. But I have come to realize there are ways to remedy this problem! Adopt one, borrow someone else’s, train a wild stray. Snag a female cousin. Marry a man with a good sister, pray that your brother will marry a promising sister-prospect. That worked really well for me on both counts. Sisters-in-law make wonderful sisters.

You can never have too many, so be on the lookout and collect them when you can. Learn to spot those special friends, roommates, colleagues and neighbors who will develop overtime into your Sisterhood. Open your purse a bit so they can see you. Reach out to them: it feels good. My female friends are my safety net. Each time I open my heart, there they are.

When I gave birth to my first child, a female friend across the country called me and somehow she knew just what was going on with my breastfeeding traumas though we had never talked so intimately before. In that moment I knew the truth about the importance of women friends, the extended Sisterhood.

I know my sister’s friend will weather this hard time, with her immediate and extended Sisterhood to support her, and she is setting a beautiful example for her daughters. When I heard about the two older girls’ first meeting with their littlest sister, my heart melted. They fell in love with her, in all her tiny glory. What a lucky baby, I thought. Yes, what lucky little girls, to start life with a built-in Sisterhood of their own.